Specialist Dr. Yaprak Arslan Psychiatrist & Psychotherapist

Anger is one of the most feared yet least understood emotions in relationships. Many couples believe that the problems they experience stem from an “anger issue.” However, what we frequently observe in psychotherapy is that the core problem is often not anger itself, but rather how it is experienced and expressed.

Let us take a closer look at the psychological roots of anger in relationships, recurring conflict cycles, and healthy ways of coping.

What Is Anger? Why Is It So Powerful?

Anger is a basic emotion, just like fear, sadness, and joy. From an evolutionary perspective, anger is a protective emotion that mobilizes us when our boundaries are violated or when we perceive a threat (Ekman, 1992).

In relationships, anger is most often associated with:

• Feeling misunderstood

• Feeling undervalued

• Perceiving injustice

• Believing that emotional needs are unmet

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

In other words, anger is often an alarm signal. It typically arises from underlying feelings such as hurt, emotional injury, disappointment, or fear.

How Does the Anger Cycle Form in Relationships?

Many couples experience a similar cycle:

• A need or expectation is not met

• The person feels unimportant or misunderstood

• These feelings are not expressed openly

• Anger erupts through outbursts, blaming, or withdrawal

• The other partner becomes defensive

• The core issue becomes even more invisible

As this cycle repeats, emotional distance, insecurity, and communication problems increase within the relationship.

Long-term research with couples has shown that criticism, defensiveness, and contempt are particularly destructive to relationships (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).

How Realistic Is the Thought “They Make Me Angry”?

There is a phrase frequently used by clients:
“I’m not actually an angry person; they make me angry.”

From a psychological perspective, however, anger is a personal reaction to a trigger. Attachment theory demonstrates that relationship patterns learned in childhood shape emotional responses in adult relationships. Therefore, the same situation may provoke anger of varying intensity in different individuals. For example, someone whose emotions were not taken seriously in childhood may perceive a similar situation in adulthood as a significant threat (Bowlby, 1988).

Suppressed Anger Is Also an Invisible Problem

Anger does not always appear as shouting or open conflict. Some individuals express anger by:

• Remaining silent

• Withdrawing

• Becoming emotionally distant from the relationship

• Engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors

Research indicates that suppressed anger is associated in the long term with depression, anxiety, and psychosomatic symptoms (Gross & John, 2003).

How Can Anger Be Managed More Healthily in Relationships?

Recognizing the Emotion Beneath Anger
Instead of saying, “I’m angry right now,” being able to say,
“I feel hurt / undervalued / lonely right now.”

Expressing Needs Using “I” Statements Rather Than Blame
Instead of “You are always like this,” saying,
“When this happens, I feel unimportant.”

Developing Emotional Regulation Skills
Using techniques such as breathing, pausing, and bodily awareness to regain control when anger escalates.

Recognizing Relational Cycles
Understanding together why the same arguments keep repeating.

These skills are typically addressed in a structured way through individual therapy and couples therapy.

When Should Therapy Be Considered?

• Arguments are becoming more frequent and uncontrollable

• Anger turns into verbal or physical violence

• There is a constant sense of tension in the relationship

• There is a feeling that “nothing changes even when we talk”

Therapy does not aim to suppress anger, but rather to help understand and transform it.

Anger Is Not an Enemy; It Is a Message

Anger is a signal of an unmet need or a call for help within the relationship. When addressed appropriately, it can become a tool for identifying the root of the problem rather than a destructive force.

Psychotherapy provides a safe space to understand recurring anger cycles in relationships and to build healthier patterns of communication.

References

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Ekman, P. (1992). An argument for basic emotions. Cognition and Emotion, 6(3–4), 169–200.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.
Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in emotion regulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362.