Specialist Dr. Yaprak Arslan Psychiatrist & Psychotherapist

Some people merely remember the past.
Others live in the past, as if it were still happening right now.

Getting stuck in the past is a psychological process that many people experience without realizing it, but it seriously affects their quality of life. A failed relationship, betrayal, loss, childhood hurts, or memories filled with "what ifs"... The mind struggles to leave certain experiences behind and replays that memory over and over again.

What is Getting Stuck in the Past?

Rumination is when a person repeatedly thinks about negative events, mistakes, or losses they have experienced and cannot break out of this cycle of thought. In other words, it is being unable to escape the emotional impact of a past event and beginning to view the present through the filter of that event.

• Constant thoughts beginning with "If only..."
• Replaying the same event over and over in your mind
• Blaming yourself or holding onto anger toward someone else
• Difficulty forming new relationships
• Generalizations such as "I'm always like this"
• Repeating the question "Why did this happen?"
• Creating alternative scenarios ("If only I had done this...")
• Developing hopelessness about the future

So the problem is not the event that happened in the past; it is the constant re-experiencing of that event in your mind. The person does not re-experience the event itself, but the emotional intensity of that moment.

The mind's primary goal is safety.

Unfinished, misunderstood, or unfair events remain as "open files" in the mind. The brain constantly repeats and tries to resolve these files in order to close them. But repeating the same cycle is not solving it... these repetitions increase anxiety.

The more you dwell on the past;

• The present moment is missed.
• Relationships remain overshadowed by past experiences.
• The person feels emotionally exhausted.
• Anxiety and depressive symptoms may increase.

While trying to resolve the past, the person misses the present...

How can we cope?

We cannot change the past, but we can change the emotional impact it has on us.

The first step is to separate the thought from reality.
Being able to say, "Right now, I'm thinking about the past," allows us to become aware.
Thoughts are produced by our minds, and we interpret events with our emotions; what we think is not objective reality.

Most of the time, it is not the event that hurts us, but the meaning we attach to it, the conclusion we draw from the event. Looking back at the past with our present selves and interpreting it can turn into sentences that judge ourselves. Being able to say, "That was all I could do under the circumstances at the time," changes your relationship with the past. Recognizing our feelings and naming them, being able to say "I'm sad," "I'm hurt," "I'm angry," helps reduce our emotional intensity.

If past experiences lead to intense triggers, nightmares, avoidance behaviors, or relational problems, trauma-focused psychotherapies can be effective. Especially loss of trust after betrayal, childhood traumas, and sudden losses may require individual work. Letting go of the past does not mean forgetting.
It is not trivializing what you have experienced.
Letting go of the past means accepting that it is only a part of your life, but realizing that it is not the whole of it...